What is Being Warmed Up in the Break Room?

You’re pretty sure you hear the microwave running. Did Ted go in there with that paper bag or did Rachael get that thing out of the refrigerator? Surely Greg isn’t trying to eat that Chinese food from three weeks ago. Based on smell alone, you have some theories about what is being warmed up in the break room.

  • Ancient, moldering scrolls foretelling the coming of a great evil, covered in duck sauce.
  • The food version of the feeling you get when you’re laughing and having fun with your family and suddenly the family dog gets an erection. It’s a lot like leftover red beans and rice with a ton of moisture condensed on the lid of the container.
  • That mouse that died in your car last summer and you couldn’t find it so you drove around all year in its stink until its body dried out to nothing. Why would someone bring it back?
  • Tuna salad casserole discovered during a horse autopsy. “Strange how all this casserole replaced this horse’s worst and smelliest organs.”
  • You’re not exactly sure what to call it, but it escaped from a facility and left a trail of dead bodies in its wake.
  • Yoghurt. Not yogurt. It’s yog-hurt.


  • It doesn’t have a name, but it shoots out of a Vietnamese river eel and it’s meant to stun prey.
  • Owl pellets and pillow drool.
  • A screwdriver in a piece of month old birthday cake.
  • Dad’s feelings about immigrants as a pizza topping from that one place Debbie always insists on ordering from even though she is the only one that likes the pizza there.
  • What half of a cheeseburger becomes when it dies with something unfinished in the world of the living and remains restless.
  • Rice noodles, ketchup, and the vibe at a party when the guy who owns a banjo decides to go out to the car and get his banjo and start playing and everyone has to make the decision whether to keep talking and having fun or to be quiet and listen to the idiot playing the fucking banjo.
  • Heavily used farmer overalls filled with spoiled mayonnaise and squeezed onto falafel.
  • It’s from Eastern Europe and it qualifies as medical waste.
  • Broken promises. Mostly promises about not microwaving stuff that smells like swamp animals.

They’re probably not even going to offer you any.