Making America Gross Again

The American Dream is dead. In our sterile hospitals, instruments are washed and wounds are packed with gauze. In immaculate homes, our hands are endlessly sanitized and our surfaces scrubbed with bleach. Hollywood smears the screens with beautiful flesh, every unwanted crease filled with putty. Is this denatured pageant all that remains of our once-gross nation?

No! Our most vile days lie ahead. I am going to make America gross again. That flag will once again stand for the blood, pus, and bruises the Founding Fathers intended.


The gutters of our cities will once again chug with vomit and piss. Diseased rats will teem in the alleyways and maimed junkies will soil themselves beneath our sagging bridges. Liberty’s squamous visage will stare out from a toxic fog that hangs over Manhattan. Washington, D.C.? Yes, it is a Diarrhea City. Pieces of Chicago will slough off and plunge into the crusted-over river. The mayor will open the sewers and Chicago will drain like a cyst into Lake Michigan. Los Angeles will be a dry socket haunted by the super-humanly taut housewives that form cannibal tribes in the hills. I will oversee a government program to elongate their bones and reverse their knees so they can better hunt.

But this is about more than America’s amazing cities. I’ll blow the black veins to our heartland and disease the antibiotic pumped farms of this great nation with every plague devised in Russian laboratories. The pigs will live in pits and cannibalize the fallen. The constant bovine slaughter will replace Sesame Street to teach our children what is important: mindless, constant, depraved violence to fuel our bodies. Cage free? The chickens will grow so fat they’ll swell beyond the barbed wire of their cages, breasts upon breasts, weeping gelatinous reptilian eggs from their wrecked cloacae. The corn, the wheat, the soy beans will be enormous, flavorless and full of worms. You’ll eat them because you have to and you’ll hate it.

I promise to expand America’s great military, what a great military, these are the best men and women, but it could be better. We start by changing the very nature of our briefings to the public. No more satellite photos of “before” and “after” targets or grainy gun camera footage. After we bomb our enemies, or anyone else, we’ll send in Navy SEALs for close-up photos of smoldering rubble awash in blood, mangled corpses, ruptured torsos and shrapnel pierced bodies. Huge photo enlargements of carnage will decorate the briefing room. Our generals will point to the viscera, to the loose teeth, to the tufts of hair stuck to fractured pillars.


Teeth? Teeth! Look at those teeth. I love those teeth. I’ll have the biggest teeth, clenched together and bared at anyone who wants to come into this country. Blood-smeared mouths to greet those who want to suck the milk of the giant half-human caterpillar we will pay for with our tax dollars. This is our caterpillar.

I will shutter the department of education and reduce our national curriculum to what is important: clicks, hisses, and screeching. The FDA will ensure our drugs are infectious, addicting, and lead to gangrene. Our food is going to be disgusting. So disgusting it will make your head spin and projectile vomit shoot out of your mouth. And we’ll catch that vomit and make it into the food.

Jobs? It’s time we take back our jobs from China. Our split-fingered, carcinogenic, heavy-metal-handling jobs. Our limb mangling jobs. Our jobs where the whole factory collapses onto people making t-shirts. We’ll bring them all back so that America makes stuff. Gross stuff. Cars made out of bones that scream when you push on the pedals. Cats stitched together and pulling in five different directions. We’ll make telephones that add a wheezing breath to every call. We’ll gets guns into the hands of people with extreme mental illness. Guns with explosive bullets.

America’s men will be men again and be made out of gristle and sores. The women will have blood coming out of their eyes and everywhere else. It will be gross. So gross it will make your head spin.

We can do this together. We can make America gross again.