Captain America: Civil War battled its way to a second straight week of box office dominance. The epic story of Cap and Bucky and Spidey, Vizzy, the notorious I-man, Antso, Widsy Blacks, Panthy Blacks, I-man black, Birdy, Witchy, and Birdy 2 has been easily winning audiences. In our version of the Civil War, obscure Marvel time-bending ninja Nth Man was added to the mix. He decapitated Bucky with a katana and left Captain America distraught.
Zack: I still can’t believe you chopped Bucky’s head off and put it in Captain America’s hands.
Steve: Well, tried to anyway. You decided that it was more like Captain America hit a volleyball when I unstopped time.
Zack: Time control is such an insane power in an RPG. Or an RPG version of a blockbuster movie.
Steve: Admittedly, that’s probably one of the reasons that Nth Man took place in an alternate Marvel reality without other heroes, just Nth Man John Doe, Alfie O’Meagan who was like Galactus power levels, and then a super sexy Russian spy woman who was like blonde Black Widow.
Zack: Which explains John Doe’s affinity for the actual Black Widow.
Steve: He loves the ladies, what can I say?
Zack: I think it’s more like you’ve managed to turn another character into a Conan-like grabass barbarian, but I’ll go with “lovin’ the ladies.”
Steve: Does that mean Black Widow thinks it was hot how I decapitated Bucky?
Zack: No, although she is handling it better than most, being an assassin and spy. You’re back at a Stark building and Iron Man is staring out the window into nothing, War Machine is talking with concern on the phone, and Black Panther is drinking shots of whiskey.
Steve: Seems like a real party sort of atmosphere. I’m going to liven things up by stopping time and pouring every shot glass full of whiskey.
Zack: You unstop time and Tony Stark shouts in surprise. Vision seems to be experiencing some sort of computer glitch because of what you’re doing.
Steve: Hey mandroid, want a shot? Shots, shots, shots! Come on!
Zack: “I do not require alcohol to continue operations.”
Steve: That’s a big difference between me and you then, wacky wall walker.
Zack: Nick Fury steps out of the elevator. “Well, this Civil War has just escalated. My agents have been tracking Captain American’s quinjet and he seems to have landed in an area where HYDRA is operating. We think he plans to become a comic book Nazi.”
Steve: Oh, wow, that’s like a real Nazi except Jewish people are absolutely never mentioned.
Zack: “On the good side, we now have some more help. This was a young boy who was bit by a spider. He’s going to be joining our team.”
Zack: Spider-Man walks out. “Hey, uh, I’m having this weird tingling sensation any time I’m around this guy.” He points to John Doe.
Steve: “Oh, no, little spider dude. I’m no danger to you. I’m one of the good guys. Right, everybody?”
Zack: Most of them refuse to make eye contact. You hear a couple of them muttering disagreement.
Steve: Oh, come on, you have to give me some credit. If all it took to turn Captain America into a HYDRA agent was decapitating his best friend and framing Cap for the murder, then Captain America was basically a sleeper agent. I discovered a sleeper agent.
Zack: War Machine hangs up the phone he was using and he announces, “The president says that we have to kill Captain America. And he wants this man to do it.”
Steve: Look around. Assume he is talking to the android that can phase through walls.
Zack: “You, dumbass!” says Nick Fury. “You’re so powerful that you could stop time, go find Captain America, kill him, come bacm, unfreeze time, and it would literally be a second later.”
Steve: “That’s a good point.” Freezing time, walking over and stretching out on the couch with my feet up. Unfreezing time. “I did it.”
Zack: Nick Fury looks at you with surprise. “You did? How did you kill him.”
Steve: “Pushed him down some stairs.”
Zack: That killed super soldier Captain America?
Steve: I mean, sure, he landed bad. Like his neck was at a right angle at the bottom of the stairs. Can’t fake that.
Zack: “Uh, well, okay. Good work, Nth Man. I’ll tell the Helicarrier to stand down and stop the search for Captain America.”
Steve: “Since I’m such a big hero do I get a bunch of money or something?”
Zack: Weren’t you supposed to try to find a way back to your reality to save the world from the cannibal apocalypse?
Steve: Oh, yeah. Eh. This world is good. I’ll stay here.
Zack: Nick Fury says he’ll set you up with an apartment in NYC. It’s not going to be great.
Steve: As long as it’s not in Hell’s Kitchen. That place is a nightmare. How about Tony Stark? Can’t he hook me up with a penthouse? Or I could be roomies with Black Widow.
Zack: None of the Avengers really want to talk to you since you apparently assassinated Captain America in maximum cold blood.
Steve: But I didn’t. And I was ordered to do it.
Zack: So tell them that.
Steve: I’ll wait a couple days.
Zack: You don’t have to wait that long. After about ten hours, as you’re settling into your new and terrible apartment that smells like a dead cat in Hell’s Kitchen, you receive a visit from Nick Fury.
Zack: “Looks like you didn’t really kill Captain America. He has kidnapped the president and he has taken him to a Hydra base in China. He’s calling himself Captain China now. Because of you. Says he is going to ‘shake up the balance of power.’ This is your fault and I expect you to do something. In case that wasn’t explicit enough.”
Steve: Captain China, huh? Sounds like appropriation and a desperate appeal to Chinese markets.
Zack: “If I’d wanted to talk to a shitty version of Deadpool I’d be in an X-men movie. This is your problem, Nth man, and now you have to fix it. Save the president and eliminate Captain China.”
Steve: “You’re right. There’s only one thing to do.” Stopping time and watching all the extra features on season one Blu-Ray of Gotham. “Gotham Invented: Building Our Gotham opened my eyes to the creative process of reimagining one of comic history’s most famous fictional cities. However, the lack of commentary tracks on these episodes sure makes me glad I stopped time and stole the DVDs.”
Zack: Time is still frozen. Nick Fury is still standing next to your couch.
Steve: Sighing and going to China to murder Captain America.
Zack: How are you getting to China?
Steve: Time is still frozen, so I’ll just walk to the Avenger’s base and steal a quinjet.
Zack: Do you know how to fly?
Steve: Oh, sure! Nth Man is a CIA-trained killer. He was in the ‘Nam.
Zack: You fly a quinjet to China.
Steve: See the sights. Great Wall, Forbidden City, have some local food, fly out to the Hydra base to murder America’s greatest war hero. You know, what you do when you’re in China.
Zack: You spend a lovely time walking the Great Wall. There are a lot tourists frozen mid-step in the Forbidden City. The local food is good, although you don’t know what anything is because you’re just eating off of other people’s plates.
Zack: The Hydra base is another matter. The quinjet is out of fuel at this point and you’re not sure where the Hydra base is located.
Steve: I’ll steal a Chinese quinjet. I’m sure they hacked into SHIELD and made a copy that is 90% as good and costs 5% as much to make.
Zack: You steal a Chinese army helicopter.
Steve: Does it have a CD player? I stole the Gotham soundtrack when I stole season one.
Zack: No, sorry, although you could use a boom box with batteries.
Steve: Nah, forget it. I probably wouldn’t be able to hear it over the sound of the rotors anyway.
Zack: How are you going to find this Hydra base?
Steve: Methodical grid search.
Zack: Assuming you are taking off from Beijing and starting your search there, back of the envelope math here, counting refueling time and travel time, it’s going to take you about 18 months to find the Hydra base.
Steve: There’s no quicker way.
Zack: You could go back to Hell’s Kitchen and unfreeze time and ask Nick Fury where the base is located.
Steve: I’ll do the grid search.
Zack: For a year and a half?
Zack: Okay, you conduct a methodical grid search by helicopter, working outwards from Beijing. Days become weeks. You leave empty refueling tankers in streets throughout the city.
Steve: I’ll stay at the nearest great hotel or mansion or whatever and eat their food.
Zack: You live like a king, but soon enough you’re out in the countryside.
Steve: Building a tiny house. I always wanted one.
Zack: Nth Man is a comic character from 1990. He has no idea what a tiny house is.
Steve: He hunted Charlie in tunnels with a 45, a flashlight, and a wakazashi. I think he knows about living in small spaces.
Zack: Fine. Nth Man, the Ultimate Ninja, uses his down time between helicopter searches he meticulously hand crafts a tiny house that he pulls behind a car to each new refueling location.
Steve: I want to find a real nice place to put the house. Like on a mountain top or next to a waterfall. After a year or so I’m not even really looking for the Hydra base. I’m just trying to find a great place to park my tiny house.
Zack: You locate a great spot on the side of a mountain, looking out at rice terraces, ancient temples, and a winding green river.
Steve: Dang I wish I could have a dog. And a sexy Chinese wife. I guess that’s the price I pay for my greatness.
Steve: Okay, I’m going to find a tiger.
Zack: Like in a zoo?
Steve: No, I want to find a wild tiger.
Zack: You spend days in South China searching for a wild tiger. You find one frozen in mid-bite on the neck of a deer sort of creature.
Steve: Bringing it back to my tiny house and dropping it out of my inventory like my Skyrim house.
Steve: That tiger looks real cool next to my Jimi Hendrix guitar and screen-worn Fish Mooney dress that I took from the set of Gotham. But I need something to complete the room. Something like a Captain America shield.
Zack: Captain China.
Steve: I mean, this happened like a second ago to him. Did he really have time to re-brand complete with a logo on his shield?
Zack: I guess you’ll have to find out.
Steve: Back to the grid search.
Zack: After another seven or eight months of searching, you locate a base in the mountains of Tibet that seems to be a Hydra facility. It has that European castle style and half tracks driving around outside.
Steve: Land and check it out.
Zack: Once you land your helicopter you see a bunch of diesel punk Nazis with glowing helmet visors so you know you’ve found it.
Steve: I’ll kill every Hydra trooper I see. Nothing fancy, just a stab through the chest with my sword. Maybe the occasional decapitation for practice.
Zack: *A Real Hero starts playing again*
Steve: They’re nazis, man. Haven’t decades of movies and video games proved by now that nazis are second only to zombies when it comes to guilt free slaughter.
Zack: You leave a trail of dead Nazis in your wake as you make your way into the Hydra castle. You come across a group of Chinese soldiers. Are you going to sword murder them as well?
Steve: I suppose I’ll just tie them up with their shoe laces.
Zack: You spend about three hours doing that. You’re pretty tired.
Steve: I think I’m going to go back to my tiny house for a couple days and really get my energy and my pump on for killing Captain China. Because, like, his madness has to stop. His reign of terror.
Zack: *A Real Hero comes out of a distorted drive through speaker*
Steve: I think I’ll also pack a lunch for when I go back.
Zack: Man, this story line desperately needs the Langoliers to come chew their way through your reality. But we’re in too deep at this point.
Steve: I would just dodge their meatball buzzsaw mouths and slice them in half with my katana.
Zack: You return to the Hydra base, everything as you left it, but now you are very pumped up and full of szechuan chicken. You find Captain China – complete with his new shield that is red with a Chinese star – mid-argument with the American president. There are a couple other guys in suits standing all around him. And Scarlet Witch, Falcon, Hawkeye, and Carol Danvers.
Steve: I don’t have orders to assassinate those people. I’ll just keep it simple and chop off Captain America’s head and put it in a bag.
Zack: Did you bring a bag?
Steve: No. I guess I’ll empty out a trashcan and put his head in the trash bag. I’ll bring the president too.
Zack: You’re abandoning your tiny house?
Steve: What? No. Just temporarily. I’ll put some rabbits or something in there for the tiger to eat while I’m gone, then I’m flying back to Hell’s Kitchen.
Zack: You get back to your apartment with the POTUS over your shoulder and Captain America’s severed head in a garbage bag.
Steve: Yeah, good luck Netflix Punisher and Jessica Jones, nobody can out dark me in the Marvel universe.
Zack: Nick Fury is still standing beside your couch.
Steve: Sit the president down beside me. Place Captain America’s head neatly on the coffee table. Unfreeze time.
Zack: Nick Fury recovers after a second of confusion. He sees the president. The president starts screaming when he sees Cap’s head. “Oh Jesus! Oh my fucking Lord Christ! What the fuck is going on?!”
Steve: Calm down, calm down, everyone. I just stopped time and rescued the president and eliminated the number one threat to world peace, Captain China. You can give me my medals later.
Zack: “You ninja idiot!” shouts the president. “Steve Rogers was negotiating the abolition of all nuclear weapons. He was going to agree to bring his hero team and Hydra in from the dark if we eliminated nuclear weapons.”
Steve: So I cut out the middle man?
Zack: THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!
Steve: I’ll tell you what doesn’t make sense: I do exactly what I’m told, I even rescue the president as a bonus, and then I’m being belittled for being stupid. I have half a mind to stop time forever and then you’ll be stuck with that stupid look on your face.
Zack: “You don’t get it,” says the president. “If Captain China is suddenly decapitated and I’m missing, they’re going to assume it was a trick. And they’re going to launch an all out–” The president and Nick Fury’s phones both ring simultaneously. The president answers and says, grimly, “I understand.”
Steve: Understand how I saved the world.
Zack: “No, you Geralt-looking motherfucker,” says Nick Fury. “Russia and China just launched all their nukes. It’s goddamn doomsday.”
Zack: “It’s a full scale Christ fuck,” agrees the president.
Steve: “Oh that’s no big deal, I can fix this.” Stopping time.
Zack: Nick Fury is obviously shouting “NO! WAIT, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” as you freeze him.
Steve: Now let’s see if I can figure this one out. I’ve got hundreds of nuclear missiles coming towards America, but I have as much time as I need to eliminate them.
Steve: I think I’m going to need a Space Shuttle first step.
Zack: That’s enough steps. You’re never going to be able to stop over a thousand nuclear missiles from hitting the United States. Your two choices are basically nuclear doomsday leading to a cannibal wasteland apocalypse or leaving time stopped forever.
Steve: I’m gonna have to go to my tiny house and think about this one for a few years.
Zack: That’s it folks! Nth Man walks off into the tiny house in the sunset with hundreds of ICBMs frozen in the sky.
Steve: Real Hero playing? Right?
Zack: You got it, buddy!
Steve: See you in a couple days!