WTF, D&D: Star Wars D20 – “The Death Star Plans of Naboo”
If there’s one thing you should know by now from playing Star Wars video games and watching Star Wars movies, it’s that everything revolves around the Death Star and its plans. When Lucas said the movie was about the droids, he was counting the Death Star as one big droid. Now the post-Lucas drones are making a prequel movie, Rogue One, that is supposedly all about the Death Star plans again. So Steve has decided to dust off the D20 Star Wars RPG and run a real prequel adventure in everyone’s favorite setting: Naboo. He dares to ask what no one else has been asking or would have asked, “What if the Death Star plans originated on Naboo?”
Zack: I want to preface this adventure by saying that Steve told me, “I’ve got a great idea. Let’s do a Star Wars adventure on Naboo.” I do not think this is a great idea.
Steve: It’s a great setting. What, you want some more Tatooine? Everything is always happening on Tatooine. I wanted to go with something that was underused.
Zack: There’s a reason it’s underused.
Steve: Because of bigotry towards Gungans basically.
Zack: They can fly submarines through the center of the planet and come out in a swamp on the opposite side. Nobody is going to trust that bunch of jazz rascals.
Steve: But what if I told you a Gungan invented the Death Star?
Zack: I would say this sounds like one of those terrible fan theories like “Jar Jar is actually super powerful” or “Rey is actually Han Solo’s daughter and Luke erased Han and Leia’s memory of her.”
Steve: Uh, maybe you need to watch some more Youtubes dude because both of those actually happened and also every mass shooting is a false flag.
Zack: INFOSTARWARS.
Zack: There’s my character. I am Alex Jones.
Steve: You have to be a smuggler.
Zack: Smuggling the truth.
Steve: What’s your character name.
Zack: Axel Josen. Famed truth-teller of the holonet. Purveyor of honesty and also survivalist food buckets and colloidal bacta. I smuggle and broadcast from my ship, the Eagle of Freedom, with my protocol droid Theydon 1U2NO.
Steve: Alright, Axel, you receive word that a contact you are familiar with on the planet of Naboo has some incredible information that might be worth a fortune. The price is high, but you’ve got the cash. The reason nobody else has snapped it up is that there is a blockade in orbit around Naboo. The Trade Federation has huge battleships and a droid army preparing to land.
Zack: The New Galactic Order once again rears its ugly head, using trade policies to try to control the working class. All to benefit a few bankers and corrupt government fat cats. I believe in free trade. That’s what made this galaxy great. But the system has been subverted by a sinister agenda.
Steve: Does that mean you’re going to seek out this information?
Zack: You’re damn right I am! Fire up the engines, Theydon 1U2NO! We’re heading to Naboo!
Zack: Also on the way there I am going to do a broadcast about the protein pills that I have filling up my hold. I swear by them. They make me start each day with energy and help to keep me trim and handsome.
Steve: Did you say what your race was?
Zack: Oh, I’m one of those big-eared aliens that looked like a penis with black eyes.
Steve: I don’t remember those.
Zack: He helped fly the Millennium Falcon in Jedi.
Steve: Oh, Nien Nunb! He’s a Sullustan.
Zack: You’re damn right. And Sullustans value our freedom.
Steve: So how are you going to get past the blockade?
Zack: The Trade Federation are the ones with those drone fighters right?
Steve: That’s right.
Zack: I’m going to need them to think I’m one of their drones. A false flag, if you will. Could I get the guts for one of those drones and put them in my ship?
Steve: You would need a drone transponder. That’s not something you can easily buy on the black market.
Zack: Alright, here’s what I’ll do. I’ll find out where they’re patrolling with their drone ships and then I’ll fly right to the very edge and put out like a distress call. Then when their drone ship gets close I’ll blast it with my ion cannon and capture it.
Steve: You buy their blockade information from a blockade runner. Then you hyperspace to a location on the outer edge of their blockade and start broadcasting a distress signal. Anything in particular you want it to say?
Zack: Something like, “Robotic lapdogs of the new galactic order, I am a loyal bootlicker and I’ve blown a sprocket or something on my ship. Please send help!”
Steve: You receive word from a drone that you are to leave the area immediately or be destroyed.
Zack: Just keep broadcasting the signal and wait with my finger on the trigger of my ion cannon.
Steve: After a fairly long and boring wait, your sensors detect three droid fighters approaching at high speed.
Zack: That’s more than I need. I’ll wait until they’re fairly close and then I’ll zap the one with the ion cannon and have Theydon help man the blasters.
Steve: It’s a short battle. The droid ships aren’t great pilots, but you’re stationary, so even though you manage to take them all out, they blast your ship pretty good. It’s going to take a lot to repair your broadcasting array.
Zack: My show! How else am I going to bring the truth to the galaxy and also offload this entire cargo hold full of emergency food rations?
Steve: One droid fighter drifts immobilized near your ship.
Zack: I’ll tractor beam it over and lock it down against the Freedom Eagle if I can.
Steve: You have magnetic clamps.
Zack: Flying through the blockade to Naboo.
Steve: Everything seems to be going pretty well until you encounter a swarm of droid fighters. They’re at long range, but they’re hailing you in their droid language. They want to know why you’re so far out of formation.
Zack: Uh oh. I’ll have Theydon translate a message to droid talk and say something like “Sorry, my dudes, but I had spaghetti for lunch and it got all over my shirt. I have to land on the planet to change shirts.”
Steve: Yeah, they aren’t buying that. Some of them detach from the swarm and start flying towards you.
Zack: Gunning the engines and saying something like, “Hey, don’t come near me. I caught a computer virus. You don’t want to come near me!”
Steve: There are about a dozen of them pursuing you now.
Zack: I guess they just sense too much freedom on this ship. I’m going to fly straight for the atmosphere and try to make it to either a secluded area where I can hide the ship or a populated area where I can disappear into a busy space port.
Steve: Actually, you have your choice, because they don’t follow you into the atmosphere. Just as they’re about to catch up to you, they all break off the chase. Apparently they have standing orders to stay out of the Naboo atmosphere.
Zack: Nice.
Steve: Yeah, unfortunately, a pair of Naboo fighters start following you as soon as you are in the atmosphere. You receive a message from them demanding to know your business.
Zack: Uh, well, I heard there was a blockade happening and I thought you folks here might be able to use some protein pills and emergency rations. For a price, of course.
Steve: One of the fighters flies in front of your ship and the other behind you and they escort you to Theed Spaceport.
Zack: Finally, some truthseekers.
Steve: You’re greeted at the landing platform by a contingent of Naboo militia.
Zack: I do really well with the militia demographic. “Greetings, my fellow freedom fighters. I brought food for the blockaded populace!”
Steve: “I’m Commander Draxl,” says the officer of the militia. “Why do you have a droid fighter attached to your ship?”
Zack: Oh, that thing, right. Well, I had to get through the blockade somehow and that seemed to be the best way. It worked fairly well, although I should have known that the masters of false flags would smell out my own deception. I’m Axel Josen, famed radio broadcaster and freedom fighter for the truth.
Steve: To your surprise, none of them seem to have heard of you.
Zack: Have you guys heard othe dark side? What about the light side? It doesn’t matter which side you’re on, they’re all sides of the same coin, and I’m talking the Americo. You see, the Jedi and the Sith, they’re both part of the power structure that keeps the rest of us enslaved in this galaxy. The New Galactic Order. Do you think they care about the senate? The Queen of Naboo who is somehow “elected”? That’s exactly the sort of bullshit that they would come up with to keep you pacified. Because they don’t want you to use your brain to ask questions.
Steve: All of these militia guys, including Commander Draxl, just stare at you in confusion.
Zack: Anyway, I smuggled in some supplies, even though the blockade is false and Naboo and the Trade Federation are both on the same side. I’m selling them at a very reasonable price.
Steve: Commander Draxl seems irritated more than anything. He gives you permission to sell your goods and they let you into the spaceport.
Zack: Heading straight for the cantina to make contact with my dealer.
Steve: Contrary to what you might expect, the Theed Spaceport cantina is actually very nice. Lots of huge windows, billowing curtains, and well-mannered customers and attendants.
Zack: Yeah, it’s real nice here. Want to know why? Because on Naboo they don’t bother with political correctness. They’re not letting any Gungans in here. None of those froggy, jowly, spitting and dripping maniacs that will CUT YOUR DAMN HEAD OFF. They know if Naboo and Gungans mix it just creates tensions for both sides. Let them have the marshes, I say.
Steve: A waiter brings you over an ice water and asks if you’d like to see the menu to order.
Zack: Order? I don’t trust orders. Bring something crunchy and if you don’t have anything crunchy I’ll just chew all this ice like a psychopath. Is my contact here?
Steve: No. You receive a message that he’s on his way.
Zack: Looking for any hot chicks I can chat up about stocking a survival bunker.
Steve: There’s an attractive lady sitting at the bar.
Zack: Taking my icewater over there, chewing the ice loudly.
Zack: Hey, do you know about the Force? It’s what the Galactic World Order uses to take what’s yours! They call it tax, but you and I both know what it really is: theft! The Yodas and the Darths of this galaxy are sucking the life right out of us!
Steve: She says, “Oh, I’m a civil servant. I think taxes are necessary to provide for the wellbeing of the people of Naboo.”
Zack: Provide for the wellbeing? Where in the Constitution does it say Naboo has to provide for the wellbeing of the people? No, wait. It probably does. Because only lunatics would have a system of government where the QUEEN is ELECTED. We fought a war to get rid of queens and you Naboo are going to the ballot box to give them more power. How about you stand up for what’s yours for once and vote with your blasters?
Steve: She gets up and leaves.
Zack: Yelling after her, “The tree of liberty has to be periodically watered with juice from the guts of various alien patriots!”
Steve: The waiter brings over something like pork rinds.
Zack: Women, am I right?
Steve: “Yes, very good, sir. Will there be anything else?”
Zack: Taking out my brochure and talking to him about the benefits of colloidal bacta therapy.
Steve: You convince him to buy a very small quantity. Then your hooded contact arrives. He’s a Kubaz.
Zack: A what?
Steve: Remember the guy with the goggles and elephant trunk who spies on the Millennium Falcon in Mos Eisley and then tells Storm Troopers where it is?
Zack: No.
Steve: Let me find a picture.
Zack: Oh, yeah, that guy.
Steve: That’s what your contact looks like. His name is Injimar. You’ve worked with him before. His information can be pricey, but it has always been accurate and usually worth the price.
Zack: What’s the haps, Injimar? I took the liberty of ordering you some pork rinds. Oh, also five buckets of survival meals. I already paid for them, but you can pay me back. Just 20 credits per bucket but I have a deal right now where it’s five buckets for 100 credits.
Steve: Well, well, well, if it is Axel Josen, owner of the most dangerous mouth in the galaxy. I have something you’re going to want to broadcast far and wide.
Zack: The truth?
Steve: Yes, a truth so dark it will shake the foundations of the galaxy. Forces within the galactic senate are plotting to start a galactic civil war. They are equipping the separatists with a droid army and the Jedi, on the side of the republic, with an army of clones.
Zack: Sounds plausible. Who did they clone?
Steve: Have you ever heard of the Mandalorian bounty hunter, Jango Fett?
Zack: No.
Zack: Just kidding. Yes, totally.
Steve: He is the basis for their clone army. But I have not even revealed the best part. This civil war will destroy the Jedi and the separatists, leaving a few to seize power.
Zack: The New Galactic Order.
Steve: Exactly. And they are planning to build a weapon that will ensure their rule of the galaxy. It’s called a Death Star and it is being designed right here on Naboo. The plans for something like that would be worth untold billions of credits.
Zack: To the right buyers. Or I could just broadcast them to everyone.
Steve: I will sell you the name of the designer. You will have to get the designs from him yourself.
Zack: Who is he? Where do I find him?
Steve: His name is Brinto Tass, he is one of the bosses of the Gungans. And he’s not going to want to part with the plans for his new super weapon.
Zack: I have to go to frog city?
Steve: Yes. This particular city is called Gwa Gwa City and it’s underwater.
Zack: The things I do for freedom…
Steve: Next time!