Rifts is a wondrous game full of variety. There are hundreds of character classes, thousands of hit locations on skull robots, and millions of different weapons for your characters to shoot, stab, and blast at various spike-covered demon beasts. Today, we’re talking weapons. Sure, the first 80-90,000 Rifts weapons were perfectly neat from a “doodled on the back of a homework assignment” perspective. Then Kevin Siembieda and friends ran out of ideas.
Zack: Rifts really loves weapons
Steve: Rifts is about offering a good selection. You want to be a wizard? Go for it. You want to be a gun wizard? Sure, make a magic gun. You want to be a dog man gun wizard? Well, buddy, you’re pushin’ it. But alright.
Zack: I just want to live my life and raise a family.
Steve: Sorry, the Dad O.C.C. is not available. However, Gundad is a possibility. How would you feel about becoming a cyborg with a gun in your face?
Zack: In my face or for my face?
Steve: Well, one half would be a gun and the other half of your face would fire micro-missiles.
Zack: You got a deal!
Steve: You might think this one fires laser harpoons, but that’s frigging ridiculous. It actually fires multiple different harpoons AND a laser out of the top barrel.
Zack: *blows the shit out of a crab, rises from the ocean, blinds an airline pilot*
Steve: At least it doesn’t fire any micro-missiles.
Zack: Maybe not, but you can thwack an underwater demon with a radio transmitter and make him listen to Stern.
Steve: Baba Kablooey!
Zack: Oh no, Steve. No. No no no. Nope.
Zack: Alright, my question on this one: where the hell do you put it when you aren’t using it?
Steve: It can just magnetize to your back like every video game RPG.
Zack: Maybe some sort of rope loop on your belt you sort of hang it there, but then it’s swinging around chopping your leg with crystal death.
Steve: It looks so badass, I mean, just hold it all the time. Why would you ever want to put it down?
Zack: Business deals, friendly competitions, romance, life in general.
Steve: None of those are covered by the rules of Rifts. Unless it’s an opposed grapple. Are any of those a grapple?
Zack: When all you have is a grapple skill, everything looks like a grapple.
Steve: BEHOLD! The Lightbringer!
Steve: *Gently places a stapler on a table*
Zack: “Hey everybody, I brought that light you wanted. Todd, I also picked up your twelve of Limearitas if you want to get it out of the trunk.”
Steve: I’m not a laser expert or anything but why does it have a magazine like a gun?
Zack: You’re not a laser expert. Don’t pretend like you know anything about our laser bullets.
Zack: This is some Dark Crystal shit right here.
Steve: Yeah, no big deal, you just pop a Gelfling into your shotgun and it blasts his life force out of the barrels.
Zack: If Donald Trump becomes president this is what we’re going to be doing to Muslims and Mexicans.
Steve: Trapping them inside guns.
Zack: The greatest guns you’ve ever seen. Amazing guns. These guns are going to be unbelievable and powerful and we’re going to make them pay for our guns. And they’re going to juice Mexicans into bullets to kill Muslims.
Steve: I mean, not to get political, but my take on that whole wall thing is if they’re going to pay for it then it’s a gift and it would be impolite to turn it down.
Zack: I wouldn’t worry about turning down that border wall. Trump could be president for eight years, then tack on another four by just refusing to leave the White House, and he’ll have finished about two miles of the border wall. After that it will just be scaffolding and some tarps and the Mexicans will be trying to keep out all the people fleeing post-apocalyptic America.
Steve: Careful dude. That probably just got you put on some sort of list. You’re going to get called a loser on twitter.
Steve: Didn’t the Chinese have this weapon like a thousand years ago?
Zack: As usual, you have mistaken Chinese people for goblins.
Steve: Maybe Chinese people would stop being mistaken for goblins if they stopped flying around in steampunk hot air balloons dropping bombs.
Zack: How else are they supposed to send raiding parties to attack the mountain dwarves?
Steve: Counterfeit hoverboard scooters.
Zack: Alright, here is the stupidest weapon in Rifts.
Steve: It’s magic, dude. TW is Techno Wizardry.
Zack: So why a wooden railgun? Why not a wooden micro-missile?
Steve: Let’s not be ridiculous. There isn’t a rocket engine small enough for a stake.
Zack: So you’re saying we can send a man into space, but we can’t put a rocket on a stake and make it impale a vampire?
Zack: Thanks for nothing, JFK.
Steve: I think I have already established that I am no laser expert.
Steve: But what is the advantage of shooting four laser beams instead of one laser beam that is four times as powerful?
Zack: Steve, you once again display your ignorance. If you had bothered to read the accompanying text, you would have realized this weapon uses mini-batteries like shotgun shells, one for each barrels, allowing you to fire one, two, or all four in a super blast.
Zack: Next time, before trashing the science, maybe read up on it.
Steve: I thought with lasers it was all about focusing it and then throwing a lot of power through the lenses or whatever to make it real powerful. Having no barrel at all and AA batteries seems like it wouldn’t work.
Zack: You’re talking about a world with rules for a Pegasus.
Steve: You’re the one who was complaining about a wooden railgun to kill vampires five minutes ago.
Zack: Steve, I don’t think you understand. It was a railgun that, get this, shot wood.
Zack: Total madness.
Steve: *Very gingerly picks up crystal pistol* AaAaaaaahhhh MOM! I cut my hand on the gun again!
Zack: I’m imagining a crystal pistol wielding gangster shoving this thing down the waistband of his pants and then blood just pouring out of the pant legs like he popped a balloon full of tomato soup.
Steve: Maybe these guns and swords were made for people who are like made out of stone or something.
Zack: The sword was bad, but there is no situation where I would try to even pick this thing up. You know all those pointy crystals are like psychic crystal or something and cause mega damage.
Steve: Ah, the old “don’t shave with a vibroknife” rule where you nick your chin and your whole body melts like butter from taking two mega damage.
Zack; In the grim post apocalyptic world of Rifts, there is no such thing as industrial design or ergonomics.
Steve: I like that it is helpfully labeled in a giant futuristic font on the side.
Zack: “Yeah, we based this gun’s design on a construction level. Barrel? Nah.”
Steve: Everything about it looks uncomfortable to handle.
Steve: But not like crystal pistol uncomfortable.
Zack: Daaaaamn look at the micro-missiles on that girl.
Steve: 36 MDC for her torso, 24 MDC for her waist, 36 MDC for each of her hip missile launchers.
Zack: Girl, you got so many barrels on your minigun I don’t know where to look.
Steve: Did it hurt when you fell? Because heaven is missing a plasma cannon.
Zack: Steve, I think we have offered up some of the worst weapons in the Rifts multiverse.
Steve: If you say so. The stake railgun was perfectly fine.
Zack: Just for that, I’d like to remind everyone that if you are one of our beloved patreon contributors, and Steve has been lollygagging with your reward, please harass him by email: wtfdndsteve at gmail.
Steve: I’m not going to complain about that. Thanks for our supporters!