WWE superstar Joanie “Chyna” Laurer died unexpectedly yesterday (April 20th) at the age of 45. For reasons that are totally normal, not weird or gross, Zack thought it was important that we paid tribute to Chyna. Unfortunately, we only have one way to do that at WTF, D&D, so we played the wrestling role playing game Wild World Wrestling Main Event Edition. This is the official followup to 2005’s failed WWE role playing game WWE: Know Your Role, a D20 game that used the Open Game License. Is it a good game? No, but this one’s for you, Chyna!
Zack: A sad day, but a chance to honor one of the legends of wrestling.
Steve: God has taken Macho Man, Roddy Piper, and Lady Elizabeth.
Zack: Psychosis took Chris Benoit.
Steve: And Gawker took Hulk Hogan from us.
Zack: Nothing hurts like losing Chyna.
Steve: Yeah, dude, you had sort of a special relationship with her.
Zack: I wouldn’t go that far, but I was an early, uh, reverse evangelist for her 1 Night in Chyna video she made with Sean Waltman AKA X-Pac. But we’re not here to remember the dirty clothes on the floor in the hotel nor the peculiarities of her anatomy. She changed things for women in professional wrestling by proving she could perform on equal ground with male wrestlers. She was a great entertainer, first woman in a Royal Rumble, and a fan favorite. She was as memorable as any of the greats in the late 90s and early 2000s.
Steve: Right. This is about celebrating her life in the squared circle. We are going to play the WWE role playing game.
Zack: To be honest, the system isn’t great for a format like this, so we’re going to focus more on the drama than the actual wrestling, because that can get bogged down with moves and counter moves that don’t work too well without a visual.
Steve: I’m going to be running the adventure and playing the heels, but the story is collaborative in the system, so it may seem sort of like we’re both running it.
Steve: Alright, so it’s WWW’s Monday Night Rage, the week before the War on the Shore in Miami. Tell me about your wrestler.
Zack: I’m playing Righteous Randy Rockwell (Triple R) the straight shootin’ country fried honky tonker who wears blue jeans in every match and hangs a huge cross around his neck. I used the system to buy three catchphrases.
Steve: Let’s hear them.
Zack: His most popular is just a simple, “Country first!” He also dramatically checks an imaginary pocket watch hanging from his denim vest and asks, “You know what time it is in America?” And then the crowd response: “Ass crushin’ time!” Which is linked to his third catchphrase, where he squeezes a bag of hot fries until it pops and says, “It’s ass crushin’ time!”
Steve: Alright your chief rivals are Doctor Kevin and Mama 2 Nasty AKA Mayhem RX. Mama 2 Nasty is a voodoo queen who hypnotized you for a while and turned you into Rude Randy Rockwell. You managed to escape when one of your allies broke her juju crystal. Do you have any allies?
Zack: My wife is Leeza Laredo and my friend is her brother, Kidd Flint Frisco, the cowboy wrestler. Leeza used to be a wrestler, but she stepped back to become a manager for Daphne Debutante the debutante themed wrestler after her father Colonel Jackson Lee, the Confederate ghost wrestler lost her contract in a contract match against Inhumandingo, the alien black power warrior. Leeza Laredo recently gave birth to Triple R’s son, Hunter.
Steve: Okay, so Kidd Flint Frisco broke Mama 2 Nasty’s juju crystal, freeing you from being Rude Randy Rockwell. But Mama 2 Nasty got revenge by having the Aztec priest wrestler Quetzelclothesline’s tag team partner Jaguar Johnson put a voodoo spider in Kidd Flint Frisco’s locker. He’s in a coma now and Mama 2 Nasty and Doctor Kevin have stolen Leeza Laredo and your son to try to raise Hunter into a super wrestler.
Zack: Diabolical! It’s ass crushin’ time!
Steve: Not so fast! Doctor Kevin has enlisted the help of an ISIS sorcerer to summon the cruelest wrestler in the Middle East into the body of a white-faced giant. Uday Hussein now lives again and he is called Udamian.
Zack: While Kidd Flint Frisco is in a coma, I am relying on the help of Android D. Workin, the frizzy-haired feminist android wrestler.
Steve: She wrestles androids?
Zack: She wrestles anyone as long as they are a man. She is a lifelike android with a body like a short Andre the Giant but the ability to tear any male in half.
Steve: Sounds pretty powerful but Mayhem RX has a couple tricks up their sleeve: like Quetzelclothesline and Jaguar Johnson, plus Bodacious Brit Hume, which is Brite Hume after Russian stem cell and growth hormone injections into his spine.
Zack: Now you’re just getting ridiculous.
Steve: It’s minutes before you’re supposed to wrestle Jaguar Johnson to get back at him for what he did to Kidd Flint Frisco. You’re in the dressing room, waiting to go onstage, when Jeffy Venturo stopy by for a locker room interview.
Zack: “Not now, Jeffy, I’m trying to get ready for this match.” I open the locker and dozens of bags of hot fries fall out.
Steve: “Looks like you’re planning to crush a lot of ass out there, Triple R. Aren’t you woried that Mayhem RX might try to interfere with the match?”
Zack: “I don’t give a damn hell what Mama 2 Nasty or Doctor Kevin try to pull. I’ve got all the backup I need right here.” Lift the cross around my neck up and give it a kiss.
Steve: “You’ve had a long road to recovery after that mysterious hooded figure in the Zamboni ran you down at Boost Mobile Arena. Are you in a condition to fight tonight?”
Zack: “I’m in better condition now than I have ever been before. I have ridin’ my jet ski, shootin’ off fireworks, prayin’ to almighty God and doin’ bench press. I am 110% ready. Jaguar should be afraid of me. I won’t hold it against him if he wants to forfeit.”
Steve: “But Mama 2 Nasty says she has been giving special potions to Jaguar Johnson to eliminate all of his fear.”
Zack: If that’s what it takes to get him into the ring, that’s what it takes, but ain’t no potion can fix two broken arms. I’m going to give him the Choke Stunner!
Steve: “Even if you beat Jaguar Johnson tonight, aren’t you worried about the repercussions for your wife and son if you don’t let Udamian take the World Heavyweight Title Belt at War on the Shore?”
Zack: “No, Jeffy, I’m going to face Udamian at Sheol in the Steel, in a no-submissions knockout cage match, and I’m going to crush his ass!” Talking straight into the camera: “Mama! Doctor Kevin! If you harm one hair on Leeza or Hunter I’m going to destroy everything you hold dear. I’m not just going to crush your asses, I’m going to crush your family’s asses. I’m going to crush your friends’ asses. I’m going to check your phone calls and crush the ass of everyone you talked to on the phone. You’re going to be eatin’ crushed ass out of a tube.” Popping a bag of hot fries. “IT’S ASS CRUSHIN’ TIME!”
Steve: “Well, there you have it, straight from Randy Rockwell’s mouth. Back to you, Mike Tenay!”
Zack: It’s not some made up character, it’s just Mike Tenay?
Steve: The Professor can only be the real deal, accept no imitations!
Steve: You finish getting ready for the match and walk to the ramp. What’s your entrance music?
Zack: Kid Rock’s All Summer Long: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwIGZLjugKA
Steve: Seems a little low key for entrance music.
Zack: Yeah, but before the song start it plays a broken window sound effect to get people pumped up. Also Kid Rock is a man of great faith, much like Righteous Randy Rockwell.
Steve: Alright the crowd goes nuts as you are walking down the ramp. Huge pyros flash behind you and the big screen is showing glowing crosses and the American flag.
Zack: And eagles and big rig trucks and our troops, god bless them. Basically picture something like the Colbert Report intro if it was done by the guy who does the FX for local auto dealership commercials.
Steve: Everyone is chanting “ASS CRUSH-IN’ TIME!” and there are little kids with your butt in a vice t-shirts and their faces painted up like you during your Crusader Cult tag team days when you were Noah Bickle. Jaguar Johnson is bouncing up and down, taunting the crowd from the ropes.
Zack: Running slide into the ring and grabbing the mic.
Zack: “Jaguar, I’m just going to hurt you, not cripple you, because I was once like you and on the wrong end of Mama 2 Nasty’s voodoo. But it don’t matter that you’re voodoo hypmotized!” Popping a bag of hot fries from my denim vest. “Cuz it’s ass crushin’ time!”
Steve: What’s your opening move?
Zack: I’ll toss the mic to him and then punch him in the face when he catches it.
Steve: The crowd loves that.
Zack: Since I’m guessing Jaguar Johnson is some sort of luchador high-flier, I am going to ground him with a leg takedown and start wailing on him. If I get chance, I’ll deliver my signature Choke Stunner or a Enervating Elbow off the top rope.
Steve: Jaguar isn’t in your league. He’s not a superstar and you are making short work of him. However, on your second pin attempt you see Mama 2 Nasty waving her clawed fingers over a baby carriage with “Hunter” written on it.
Zack: “HUNTER!” I get up and run to the ropes. “Give him back, you heathen hypnotist!”
Steve: Jaguar gets to his feet and delivers a savage series of slaps to your back.
Zack: Roar with fury and give him the Choke Stunner.
Steve: You obliterate him with the Choke Stunner. “He’s not getting up. It’s all over! Oh my god, Jeffy, did you see that!!”
Zack: I’m going to chase after Mama 2 Nasty.
Steve: She runs up the ramp pushing the baby carriage. At the top, she turns around and pushes it at you. “Here you go, Rude Randy Rockwell!” The carriage comes down the ramp at high speed.
Zack: Leaping to save my baby!
Steve: You jump and save the carriage, only to find a strange doll inside. It explodes into a foul-smelling cloud. “Voodoo curse! Your strength will fail you at War on the Shore! The title belongs to Mayhem RX!”
Zack: I’ll go running after her but I assume I can’t catch her, so I’m going to dent half the lockers in the locker room with my frustrated punches and shove a cameraman over.
Steve: That’ll earn you some heel points.
Zack: The fans will understand. My wife and child have been kidnapped.
Steve: Alright, skipping ahead to War on the Shore in Miami. You are feeling under the weather, like you have a flu but no fever the doctors can find. It seems like Mama 2 Nasty’s curse has worked.
Zack: So this is set up on Miami Beach, right?
Steve: Yeah, there are seats in collapsible risers and multiple rings, including the cage for the cage match you are going to have with Udamian. But before that, you have to a film a promo from the beach area with some bikini models and one of the bikini models is Lady Venom, one of the Mayhem RX assassins. You get to throw her into the ocean.
Zack: I don’t like the sound of that. I’m going to have my friend, Android D. Workin, tag along.
Steve: Of course you would have a woman just tag along. Stand around and wait for you to need her. Or to aggress against her sexually.
Zack: She’s my friend!
Steve: A “man’s friend” is just another one of the patriarchy’s comfortable phrases to describe a future rape victim.
Zack: Daaaamn, Steve!
Steve: She’ll go to make sure no MEN try to interfere with your promo.
Zack: Oh, yeah, right.
Steve: This whole thing is a work planned out by management. You just do some lines about hating Mayhem RX and wanting your kid back and then Lady Venom tries to hit you with a juju bomb. It hits one of the bikini babes instead and you pick Lady Venom up and toss her into the ocean.
Zack: I give my most wooden performances for works. Mitch McMannis should know that about me by now.
Steve: It’s more about the T&A, which disgusts Android D. Workin and has her muttering in the background. However, after you toss Lady Venom into the ocean, Android calls out a warning.
Steve: “Look out, it’s Bodacious Brit Hume!” A walking wall of muscle with Brit Hume’s bored expression on its face wades out into the surf and comes towards you. “It end here Randy. I break your head for Doctor Kevin.”
Zack: I’m going to give this meathead a Choke Stunner.
Steve: You grab him by the throat and try to pick him up, but your hand doesn’t fit around his giant neck and he weighs like 400 pounds. He grabs your arm and muscles it away from his neck.
Zack: “Go to damn hell if you think it ain’t ass crushin’ time!” If he’s taking away my arm, I’m going to go Road House kickin’ time on his gigantic muscled ass.
Steve: Your kicks land on him like he’s a tree and you’re trying to cut him down with a baseball bat. He stares at you humorlessly. “Time to break.”
Zack: “Android, a little help here!”
Steve: “I’m tempted to just sit back and watch and then finish off whichever one of you is left, but you did bring me that chair at the Feudal Fracas in Detroit.”
Zack: “He’s making it so Triple R can’t breathe!”
Steve: Android D. Workin uses her rocket punch special, which is just her stick one arm out straight and running at someone. She’s enormous and so the momentum actually moves Bodacious Brit Hume. He lets go of you and turns his full attention to Android.
Zack: Can I deliver some kicks to his back to help her out?
Steve: You can kick him, but it’s not going to help much. “Go,” she says as she trades chest slaps with Brit Hume, “He’s trying to delay you from the main event.”
Zack: I have to save my baby. I run to the ring.
Steve: The main event is already late. Doctor Kevin is on stage, demanding a forfeit. Udamian is standing next to him looking like a cross between Lurch from the Addams Family and Saddam Hussein.
Zack: Running up on stage, flying dropkick to the chest of Doctor Kevin. He’s so frail it’s going to send him flying and I want to snatch that mic out of midair.
Steve: You grab the mic from Doctor Kevin. Udamian catches him as if Kevin is a fainting Victorian lady.
Zack: “Cut the damn music!” Climbing up on the middle rope. “Mayhem RX thinks they can take my family? think they can turn my large baby son into some sort of super wrestler? Well, you bring that cage on down! Because you know what time it is in America?”
Zack: Pulling out the hot fries bag. Popping it and slammin’ the fries back as the whole crowd chants with me “It’s ass crushin’ time!”
Steve: Udamian grabs your shoulders from behind and bodyslams you onto the mat. Doctor Kevin rolls out of the ring as the cage starts to lower over your.
Zack: Rolling around, grabbing my back in agony.
Steve: Udamian picks you up and delivers about 50 chest slaps until you are hanging off the ropes. He takes out a picture of your kid and he EATS IT!
Zack: Start shaking with anger. I grab his hair and punch him in the face again and again.
Steve: Keep in mind, Udamian, like Bodacious Brit Hume, is a super heavyweight wrestler. Basically all they can do is punch and kick and pin and that’s mostly all that you can do to them.
Zack: So punching him doesn’t work.
Steve: No, it works, he’s realing back with super anger fueling your punches, but then he grabs you in the Choke Stunner, lifts you off the ground and slams you down. He immediately goes for the pin.
Zack: Struggling to get up. I pick up half of the torn picture of Hunter and look at it for more strength. I pop open a new bag of hot fries and dump them on my face.
Steve: You kick out of the pin and roll out from under Udamian. He roars and gets to his feet.
Zack: I’m going to avoid the lumbering giant, climbing halfway up on the turnbuckles and getting the crowd worked up. Then I’m going to climb all the way up and kick Udamian to stun him.
Steve: He’s wobbling from side to side.
Zack: This Frankenstein’s monster is getting a Frankensteiner off that top turnbuckle.
Zack: Go for the pin.
Steve: You get down to an eight count and then Mama 2 Nasty throws a juju bomb into the ring and blinds the ref. He starts rolling around on the mat. You totally have Udamian for a ten count, but now he throws you off and rises to his feet, unholy Hussein power practically glowing in his eyes.
Zack: I’m going to try to make sure the ref is okay, then I’m going to do a prayer to god that I get some help.
Steve: Udamian starts really whooping your butt.
Zack: Am I getting an ass crushin’?
Steve: Oh, yeah, it’s bad. You get choke stunnered again and nobody, I mean nobody, has survived two choke stunners and won a match.
Zack: I’m the inventor of the choke stunner, dammit! I know all the secrets of it!
Steve: He’s got you pinned 1… 2…
Zack: Fighting to get out of it.
Steve: As your fighting, as the ref is counting to that ten, you see a miracle. Someone is climbing up on the cage top. But not just anybody. It’s Jumpin’ Joanie Latimer, the Amazon from Amsterdam. You thought she died in a monster truck fire at Grapplemadness XXIX in Jacksonville. She’s not only fine, but she has a cape made out of the American flag.
Zack: Reaching out for her, trying to fight my way out of the pin.
Steve: The ref counts 7… 8…
Steve: Jumpin’ Joanie has the cage top open. She jumps straight down, an incredible leg drop onto Udamian.
Steve: From the announcing booth: “By god, Jeffy! She dropped on him so hard the evil ghost flew right out of him and back to Hades! He’s free!”
Zack: Rolling over onto him for the pin.
Steve: You get the ten count and the ref and Jumpin’ Joanie help you to your feet.
Steve: Jeffy says, “Triple R has won the match for ownership of his son Hunter, but don’t expect Mama 2 Nasty to give up Leeza Laredo so easily.” Mike Tenay is all, “Mama 2 Nasty has a long history of breaking these rules. I think we’ll be seeing something really nasty from Mayhem RX at Doom in Saskatoon In July.”
Zack: Jumpin’ Joanie picking me up on her shoulders and I’m shootin’ off Roman candles as they bring out my large baby son Hunter.
Steve: It’s a happy ending, but you’re still missing your wife, and you’re worried Mama 2 Nasty might hypnotize her into turning into a heel.
Zack: Doom in Saskatoon is going to be crazy.
Steve: Thanks for reading this epic wrestling battle. We barely followed the rules for the system.
Zack: I think we played it almost how it was intended to be played though.
Steve: Maybe next time we’ll include a map of the ring with mimic chests and pit traps.