WTF, D&D: Ravenloft

Zack: This is Ireena, sister of Ismark and adopted daughter of the Burgomaster. She hugs her brother and then looks at you with concern. “Who is this man with his arm held out like a scarecrow?” And her brother says, “He is an outsider. He will help us.”

Steve: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. I not say help. I come to burger man’s house. What big problem? You sick?”

Zack: They let you into the house and it smells of death. There are holy symbols everywhere and the windows are boarded up. The Burgomaster is lying dead in his drawing room and he has clearly been dead for quite a while.

Steve: “Guess not need to ask if you have scented candle. Oof. Why you not bury him?”

Zack: Ismark says, “No one will help me and my sister cannot leave the house. Strahd’s fiends are stalking her. She has been bitten twice and will succumb if she is bitten a third time.”

Steve: “So you send letter to help with burial?”

Zack: “I didn’t send a letter and father has been dead for more than a week. Someone else sent you a letter. What did it say?”

Steve: “I not remember. Nothing important. Okay, let’s bury him. In accordance with tradition of my god. I will need to rip off his head.”

Zack: Ismark and Ireena both freak out and get between you and the body. “Please, sir,” says Ireena. “Do not mutilate my poor father’s body. His heart gave out with Strahd’s monsters scratching at our house every night.”

Steve: “You keep say Strahd. Where is Strahd? He vampire?”

Zack: Ismark says, “He rules over Barovia from his castle Ravenloft. He is vampyr and he controls the night.”

Steve: “Okay, I go punch him and tear off head.” Bane will turn around and walk out of the door. He’ll march straight to the castle.

Zack: Ireena pushes past her brother. She is holding a sword in her hands. “I will go with you! It is my fault all this is happening. I can’t sit in that horrible house and wait to be saved.”

Steve: “Okay. This Wendy.” Bane introduces his bat and continues trudging up the mountain.

Zack: It’s pretty far. Ireena seems nearly exhausted. You walk past the gypsy encampment and up into the mountains that overlook foggy Barovia. Luckily, a carriage comes clattering up to you drawn by two horses.


Steve: Bane has wandered the lands searching to bring peace. He is not letting horses take him to his destiny with this Strahd guy. If he has to carry Ireena on his shoulders, he will.

Zack: This is a good place to end part one. The confused hero Bane Battler, along with the brave heroine Ireena, climb the mountains with a carriage following along beside like they are a girl who just got out of her boyfriend’s car in the middle of a fight and refuses to get back in. The mists part before him and the ominous sight of Castle Ravenloft rises ahead.

Steve: Bane is totally going to tear off Strahd’s frigging head.