WTF, D&D: Ravenloft Part Two

The haunted month of October has arrived just as an ill wind stirs the mists of Barovia. If you read part one of our Ravenloft journey, you will know that Steve’s moronic master monk Bane Battler and his bat friend, Wendy, are on their way to a meeting with destiny at Castle Ravenloft. Bane wants to put a stop to the murderous actions of Count Strahd. And Bane has brought almost-vampire babe Ireena Kolyana along with him to enjoy the castle’s hospitality. Will the duo make it out alive? Will they bring an end to Strahd’s reign of evil? Probably not.

Zack: The mists part as you ascend the mountains, revealing the ominous castle Ravenloft. A driverless black carriage clops along behind you, trying to get you and Ireena to climb inside.

Steve: Google is wasting all that money on computer cars, they just need horses to drive the cars.

Steve: And vampire magic.

Zack: Ireena is exhausted by the climb up the mountain. In her sickly, vampire-afflicted state she really wants to catch a ride on that carriage.

Steve: Carrying her.

Zack: Fireman’s carry, bridal carry, or piggyback?

Steve: Piggyback will allow her to still strike with her magic sword, making us twice as deadly in combat.

Zack: That’s not how it works.

Steve: Show me in the Monster Manual where it says you can’t double up piggyback for maximum death-dealing.

Steve: The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced. It plays to all our strengths and gives us maximum height for
spotting enemies.

Zack: Inside a castle?

Steve: This is better than the time I put my gnome on stilts in Waterdeep.

Zack: Steve, Bane and Ireena are going to confront the ultimate evil of Ravenloft, not trying to sneak into a movie and only pay for one ticket.

Steve: Show me where it says we can’t do it.

Zack: Oh, I learned long ago to let you do whatever you want, but as the DM it is my job to adapt the adventure to
challenge you.

Steve: Piggyback it is.

Steve: And you can’t see it right now but I’m staring at you like Clint Eastwood.

Zack: I really doubt that.

Zack: Bane hoists Ireena onto his shoulders and resumes the ascent up the mountain. She is now able to spot enemies at a greater distance and she can still strike with her sword. Bane carries her up the mountain to the castle without great difficulty, being a ridiculously strong and ridiculously stupid warrior.

Steve: Also ridiculously serene, my friend. He says, “Weight carried make stronger when put down.”

Zack: Oh Jesus I forgot Bane talked like a caveman.

Steve: “Even stone know wisdom.”