WTF, D&D: Cthulhu ’90s Solo Project – The Toné Out of Space (Part 2)


Zack: “WE ARE THE TONIX!” Their voice crawls in your mind as they perfectly harmonize. “ALL FLESH WILL JOIN US!”

Steve: “You just chased down the wrong waterfall.” FFWWOOOOSHHHH! Lighting them up with my flamethrower.

Zack: Flames roar up the stairs at the Tonix. Their bodies blacken and thrash and sprout tentacles and extra limbs as they are consumed in the flames. They screech in perfect harmony as they perish.

Steve: Kicking them out of the way and heading up the stairs.

Zack: You burst onto the roof and you are confronted with the sight of a tiered stage stacked with vibrating Zladislavsky tuning forks, all seeming to open a teardrop shaped portal to a land of nothing but flesh. One by one, lumps of flesh and bits of cloth ripple from this mass and spill through the portal, becoming one of the unspeakable Tonies. Not all of them resemble the Tony, Toni, and Tone you are familiar with either. There appears to be a Tonee, a Toughni, and a ToeKnee also, similarly dressed in hip hop fashion, duplicated multiple times. They all turn to stare at you and begin singing “What goes around / Comes around” again and again.

Steve: Ahhhhh!

Zack: Sanity check.

Steve: Passed.

Zack: You still lose five sanity. This is some unimaginable horror shit. Chilli passes also. T-Boz does not. She immediately joins in singing “What goes around / Comes around” along with the Tonix. They’re coming towards you en masse.

Steve: I have one thing to say to that.

Steve: OOooooooooooooooooooh baby baby. Oooooh Baby Baby. Let the terminating commence.

Zack: Your flamethrower incinerates the front ranks of the Tonix. There won’t be this many Snapbacks on fire at once again until 2002 when the Snapback factory has to shut down and burn unsold hats. Burning Tonies are plunging off the roof. They’re melting and writhing in the fire. And yet, they are still coming. Chilli is snapping off shot after shot with her sniper rifle. The Tonix gets in too close and she draws her katana.

Steve: Back to back to back. We always knew it would end this way, girls! Going to keep singing Oooh baby baby hoping it snaps T-Boz out of her insanity.

Zack: The Tonix closes in around you, pummeling you with fists. Your flamethrower is ripped from your hands. The stench of burning flesh fills the air.

Zack: Suddenly, T-Boz revs the chainsaw. You can’t hear her voice, but you can see on her lips, the exultant cry of “OOooooh baby baby!”

Steve: Yesss! Let’s hack a path to those tuning forks.

Zack: The chainsaw rends Tony from Toni from Tone from Tonee from Toughni from ToeKnee. Severed limbs and Coogi sweaters and broken bones and bucket hats with Africa symbols are flung in every direction by the merciless chew of T-Boz’s chainsaw. You are battered, but you reach the tuning forks. They glow with unholy fire.

Steve: Pushing the tiers of tuning forks off the roof. Kicking everything over. Wrecking this business.

Zack: You struggle with the stand. T-Boz finally realizes what you’re trying to do and saw her sparking chainsaw through the legs on one side, tipping the whole thing off the roof. As the portal loses its cohesion, you hear the maddening scream of a hundred billion Tonies suddenly cut off on the other side. The portal vanishes and the surviving remnants of the Tonix begin to convulse and melt.

Steve: Scrubs.

Zack: Downstairs, on the main stage, Tony! Toni! Tone! are just launching into Feels Good when they begin to flop around and liquefy in front of a horrified capacity crowd. Upstairs, you, T-Boz, and Chili are drenched in blood and guts, badly beaten, but otherwise intact. You have saved the city, if not the world.

Steve: Gonna gain some sanity back, I hope.

Zack: I’ll give you back half of what you lost. Congrats.

Steve: Time to get out of here.

Zack: That’s it for Left Eye’s Solo Project. Our next Solo Project will be Steve running and me playing as Kurt Cobain. He’s not giving me many hints, but he said something about Sting.

Steve: Let’s put it this way, dude: those candles in Wrapped Around Your Finger might have had another meaning.

Zack: Thanks once again to all our Patreon backers! You are allowing us to keep WTF, D&D as a weekly feature. If we hit our $40,000,000 stretch goal we are not only releasing the dog fight module, but we are going to hire famous Hollywood actors to play D&D for us.

Steve: It’s gonna be amazing to finally play D&D with Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren.